this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
this hospital has no fireball
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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