sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
