i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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