Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
