before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
