he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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