We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
