i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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