totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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