Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
