When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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