How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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