Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
