Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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