Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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