forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
