I skipped work to stalk him.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
