awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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