Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
MIDGETS
????
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
