I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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