I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
