I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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