There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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