im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
