Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
