I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
