You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
