I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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