So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my being single is dangerous.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
