So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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