Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
