the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
