apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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