Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
