You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
