Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
