I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
