I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
