He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
