can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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