i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
