I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
