she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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