i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
