i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
