I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
