Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
