Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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