I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
