The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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