We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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